Star Wars Episode X: Family Therapy
by Captain T'karra Nirois
Summary: A sample of the nonsense in my mind. What if someone gathered the entire Skywalker family together and tried to help them with their daddy issues? Rated K for mild lightsaber-related violence


**A/N**

 **Hi, all of you. Yes, even though I am a Star Trek captain I watch Star Wars, though Star Trek is better by far. So I came up with the idea for this oneshot after seeing Force Awakens, and decided to continue it because I was bored. So, without further ado…**

 _A long time ago in a galaxy far away…_

 **Star Wars Episode X: Family Therapy**

 ** _It has been 100 years since the First Order fell, and business as usual has long since returned to the galaxy. A lone psychology major has decided to study for her final exam by using holographic technology to resurrect Anakin, Padme, Luke, Leia, Han, Rey, and Ben (Kylo Ren) and help them with their family problems. She has no idea how wrong this could possibly go…_**

"So," said the therapist mildly. "Tell me about your relationship with your father."

"He's a murderous, contemptuous, evil piece of-"

"Hey!" interjected Anakin. " _I'm_ your father!" He held up a chair to try and defend himself. Part of the chair crashed against the wall of the room, burned in half by Luke's lightsaber.

"How dare you call yourself my father?" roared Luke, swinging his lightsaber toward Anakin again. "You were never there for me!"

"Because I didn't know you existed!" Anakin yelled defensively. "Emperor Palpatine told me that Padme died, and I thought you were killed too!"

"And you _still_ thought I was dead after I blew up the Death Star?

" "No! I brought you onto the second Death Star, didn't I? I would've let you be my second-in-command, and Emperor Palpatine-"

"Emperor Palpatine can go jump in a black hole!"

"I agree with what you did, Grandfather," said Kylo Ren loyally.

"You see! He gets me!" said Anakin. "My only problem is, why another Death Star? It's been done to death, pun intended!"

"Says the guy who did two Death Stars in the first place! Besides, Starkiller Base is not a Death Star!" Han looked up from his quiet conversation with Leia and snorted.

"Sure, kid, whatever you say. Starkiller Base was a modified planet built to shoot lasers at other planets. The Death Star was a fake moon built to shoot lasers at other planets. They both had one fatal weakness and I blew up both of them- with help, of course. Even their names are similar: Death _Star_ , _Star_ _Killer_. But no, they're completely different things." Kylo Ren lost it and, howling, turned on his lightsaber and brought it down on Han's head. Han dodged and laughed, casually pulling out a blaster and shooting Kylo in the foot.

"Maybe you should have joined the Sith. They could have called you Darth Tantrum." Han and Luke high fived, and Anakin and Kylo Ren frowned. Anakin gave Kylo a nod, and Kylo raised his hand and began to force-choke Han and Luke. Just as the pair began to lose consciousness, Kylo's hand was pulled back to his body and Luke and Han were released.

"Did you forget that I was here?" said Rey, rising from her seat on the tacky couch. The men looked nervously at each other and nodded.

"Well, now that you've remembered, let me tell you what I think of all of you." She waved her hand, and a spare couch slid forward and knocked the men's legs out from under them, causing them to sit down. "You," she said, pointing to Anakin, "Are a pathetic excuse for a father and an even worse grandfather. The galaxy is lucky that you died before you could do any more damage. At least you made peace with Luke before you died, but that doesn't excuse a few planets' worth of murder." She looked at Han. "You were like the father I never had." Luke winced, and Han grinned. "And you were like the daughter I never had," he said. "But that doesn't mean you were a good father to your actual son. Because you weren't there for him, Supreme Leader Snoke was able to turn him! In my opinion, you're all a bunch of idiots. I should've stayed on Jakku."

"That goes double for me," said Leia, having intelligently chosen to hide in the corner while the men killed each other.

"Me, too," Padme said. "And I don't know what I ever saw in you, Anakin. You're way too young and emo for me, and you completely suck at romance. Not to mention, you're stupid, too… I mean, the Jedi council should've found out I was pregnant sooner or later. We should've left, but you got hung up on honor at the worst possible moment. I'm also worse for being with you. I was an action hero for most of our first adventure, but later all I did was wait around for you to save me."

"At least I never had that problem," Leia said. "I dumped you, Han, before you could get all chauvinistic on me."

"And look what that got you!" shouted Han. "It's your fault that Snoke turned Ben to the Dark Side! He killed me because of you!" With that, everyone began screaming incoherently at everyone else in several languages. Lightsabers were wielded, blasters were fired, and several family members were hit by a staff. _Why did I program them all with their weapons_ , the psychology major wondered, miraculously unharmed by the chaos.

"Enough!" she yelled, and all fighting ceased. "I am sick to death of all of you and your petty little daddy issues! Leave! Now!" She hit a button on the arm of her uncomfortable metal armchair, and all the holograms vanished. The junior therapist sighed. _Maybe I should become a dentist instead_ , she thought. _No one can help_ that _family_.

 **A/N: At times I surprise myself with the number and quality of artistic horrors my mind is able to produce… So, what did _you_ think? Leave a review! And any of you who follow my other story, Karen Kane and the Hammer of Thor, Chapter 4 will be out soon. Nirois out.**


End file.
